The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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