she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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