Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
People in love make me want to vomit
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
