You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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