evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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