On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
