last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
