We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize