Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
