he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
