Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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