i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
