I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
