he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she peed on how many people?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize