Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
