so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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