Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
