put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
