I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My feet surprised me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
