Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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