you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
