Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
