Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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