i think my tv is drunk
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
