and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
