I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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