Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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