Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
