this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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