I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
