I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
