Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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