i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
