THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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