Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
