phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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