in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize