I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
