I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
