Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
