i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
