You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize