Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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