If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We need to get me chipped asap
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
