I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
