he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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