He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When are your genitals available?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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