My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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