Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
