tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
