when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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