somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Your dad touched me again.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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