apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize