She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
