At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
