Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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